Mary, 29 and Tom, 38 came to Relate feeling very depressed and disappointed with their relationship. Their first baby Jack was 6 months old and life was not at all what they had expected. With his first wife Tom had a daughter, who is now 5 years old. The couple saw her often, but baby Jack was theirs together. They had been so excited when Mary found she was pregnant; they had been concerned about Mary’s fertility and it had taken a year, but all was well. The problem was that having Jack had changed their relationship beyond recognition. They were both exhausted through lack of sleep, they felt they had no time together any more and their sex life was almost non-existent. Also Tom had started going out with his mates and coming home late having had too much to drink. They were having rows and to make matters worse Mary’s mother was interfering in the way they looked after Jack, her first grandchild. A friend had suggested they come to Relate and had offered to baby sit each week. This was the first time they had been out together since Jack’s birth.

The Relate counsellor asked them to think about what their expectations of being parents had been before the birth and it soon became apparent that they had different views. Tom had not had much to do with the parenting of his first child and had thought that it would be the same this time and wouldn’t affect him much. Mary was keen on joint parenting and expected Tom to do his share. Although he had agreed to this he began to feel resentful and found himself criticising Mary which often led to a row.

Over several weeks with the counsellor’s help they came to see the importance of sustaining their couple relationship. Conversations between them had been more about the practical details of daily life and less about sharing thoughts and feelings. Mary hadn’t realised that Tom was feeling resentful - and he hadn’t wanted to say as he’d thought it was childish when he was supposed to be the ‘protector of the family.’ He also resented the interference from Mary’s mother and, with the help of the Relate counsellor, was able to tell Mary this. Mary felt that if she had more support from Tom she would not have to rely on her mother so much.

Tom and Mary had experienced a good sexual relationship before Jack’s birth and the counsellor reassured them that the dip in desire was usual and things would almost certainly return to normal once the couple began to make time for each other again.

Relate counselling helped Tom and Mary to talk to each other again, saying things that were difficult or which had sparked a row when they were alone. They learned what things start arguments off, how to deal with problems without rowing with each other and different ways of coping with problems. They had learned to listen to each other, to compromise and to share more. “We feel more like equal partners now.”